occupying and experiencing every aspect of what can possibly exist, hearing things. There was a massive abstract conviction that i had been inflicted with. Some fucker on the bus had a knife or something, and it fell out and made a clink when the vehicle came to a halt. Might have actually been the case, but what could i do but speedily complete a rubiks cube 5 times. What a condition to be in. You can establish yourself as something static or as a living thing, choose the prior and you risk ceasing to be at whichever given point. If the you that you have created requires actions to be taken to remain as you then that you cannot be said to actually be you. The capacity to observe is constant throughout a persons life, its also a process that is unable to be disturbed by the influence of anything existing outwith a person. Qualities that rely on something internal like this probably are the best thing to attribute as being components of you, the self will last much longer and wont change without your authority. "i am a person with insight into my own actions" this is a differentiating quality, a quality that defines someone as a person outwith another person, not every person would make this claim, not every person making this claim would make it with the same confidence. If you want to put together some picture of a "you", its things like this one should consider. If you were left in a void for 100000 years existing only as a disembodied mind, would the "you" be preserved ? "i play football/ i am good at football/ i enjoy football" that cant be you anymore, not without feet- but in that case why entertain the concept of a self at all ?, if every aspect of an individual can be revoked by removing the existence of the things it relies on, is the self material ? Something subject to change upon the altering of physical things must be ?? Weird. Perhaps what those statements convey, rather than a preference for the physical act of the game of football, is a sum of abstract qualities that when made manifest in the world through the physical body, end up in the individual enjoying football. Makes sense to me, if after the 100000 the disembodied person was returned to normal existence, the enjoyment of football would be retained, that abstract feeling of preference exists nonphysically, since there was nowhere else for it to exist during that period of disembodiment. So in that case the self exists statically outside of material, its state does not change upon the alteration of matter, but upon its interactions with matter.
As a young child i never was very impressed with memory. Learning was an exercise in filling ones mind with arbitrary lists of things. One would not learn to do multiplication, or learn about animals or whichever topic, rather one would remember rules, and words, the information those words were concerned with not being very important. My understanding always was that if knowledge, or intelligence rather, was measured by the amount and variety of things one spent effort on remembering, that i could be as intelligent as i wanted, and that i could become very intelligent on a whim should i ever decide to remember lots of things. Doctors were no different to me, they were just adults who decided to spend a lot of time remembering things. I recently have been made aware by god that if i continue to ferment and decay he will put an end to my existence. I just feel it in my gut. Falling into rot and ceasing to exist properly causes me much shame myself, so i understand why god would also be upset. I am an affront to him i think. I don't want him to revoke my existence, i go in and out of myself and remember bits and pieces, i do amazingly hard intellectual things then fail to add small numbers the next day. I have left myself stagnating in my room. I have failed to write any code for at least a month. I have not remembered anything. I am not intelligent anymore.
One of the very few things i seem unable to master is my affect. My relation ship with my outwards affect is similar to the relationship i had with my hair as a child. It is beyond me and unpredictable and its behaviour does not seem rooted in any system in witch if i were to alter something it would be affected. It misbehaves, misportrays me and interferes with my ability to project my image outwardly as i would like. My goal currently is to fix this. I cringe at myself repeatedly, i come off far too pleasant, too normal, one can hardly infer the level of my mental impairment from how i behave. Vicariously lying like this surely is a mortal sin. I no longer have any thoughts about the universe. I do not ponder its function, how it came into being, i do not care, i cant bring myself to feel any concern for it at all. I have taken to improving my performance as a biological fleshy thing, clothes and lifting heavy circles. Having done both i can say certainly that this is much easier of a thing to do than anything that could be considered as maintaining intellectual function. So what will i do ? Will i die ? My hope is that by writing this blog i will demonstrate to god that regardless of how sedentary i have become lately, i remain a worthwhile thing to keep alive and a worthwhile thing to have been granted awareness
I look down upon the ill, the ugly, the physically inept and those who are generally hard done by. I have had no suffering in my life, no inconvenience, nothing really very unpleasant at all, and the people who have experienced such occurrences viscerally repulse and terrify me. I have had physical aliments recently begin to plague me, and I have of course become completely repulsed by myself. Alongside this I have been informed by a woman that I am autistic. Witch isn't of much use to me. I do not know what to and am deeply unhappy. I cannot even muster the stamina to read Wikipedia articles. At my lowest currently. If i die throw my hard drive in the ocean so that a whale may ingest it and taste the fruits of industrial society.
Individuals and their poor sad suffocating egos are the eternal victim of culture. When you become something, but are not properly aware of what it is you are becoming, having lost partially your self in this process, but neither becoming that some other thing you were set to become, can it be said that your attempt to project some kind of image in the face of this is acting ?
"After drinking two beers, he was pretending to be drunk,"
The actor and the schizophrenic are separated by their respective awareness. The actor is aware of their role as an actor, and the benefit of their taking up this role. The nuances of the role and the fullness of character usually are also understood. The schizophrenic is strung along by unseen forces he does not understand and cannot properly describe. The victim of culture is too low IQ to fully comprehend what it is he is attempting to emulate. In some cases he is not aware he is attempting to emulate anything. When he is, he may not be able to determine whether or not he has been successful or to what degree. He is not acting, he is a victim of something that is far too abstract for him to defend himself from. If he is acting, he acts poorly, and is unable to understand what he is portraying and why. The act is a sad display of his inability to know what is good, he is like a lamb.
"He was decapitated in an explosion of flame and glass fragments,
Her body was found crushed into the dashboard,
A mini-cam report described them as fine youngsters -
They never got a chance to fulfill their career dreams"
I think about aliens probably every day. I was watching a hamster die earlier and it made me think about aliens. That great enlil and enki and the squid people and whoever else has been privy to our existence watch us with their amazing brilliant technology and 100000 IQs as we mull about doesn't cause me much distress. I did however become quite distressed as I was watching this hamster die. The lizards under dulce that endlessly fuck with me and want to eat my tender human innards have me impotent and caged. The hamster couldn't prove nor realise the situation it had been put in by us and if it could it wouldn't be able to escape it. Imagine your hamster brain crying out to you your whole life, screaming at you with polarised particles that you cant conceptualise and are unaware of, the wrongness of your hamster life. There is no continuation of your blood line. You never mate and produce offspring, you never see another hamster. You do not know that you should, or that you can, and if you were aware, knowing the helplessness of your predicament would likely be worse. The whole duration of its life it was being watched by beings that very easily could prevent this having happened to it and were able to perceive and understand the full awfulness of its predicament. Yet of course I didn't do anything for it, and I think it is quite okay. But for a dolphin or an orca of course I wouldn't think so. A dolphin is much more intelligent, and complex, at least relative to a hamster. A hamster isn't very complex, if it feels much at all its likely to be so rudimentary that it doesn't matter. The reptile skips through the diehold and makes humming noises in the sky. He wakes me up and grins at me, he knows I will greet him with deep repulse, and he bites me with fine sharp teeth, and what can i feel for that creature but pity and a large sadness. Repulsive elusive lizard unfeeling and apathetic. In the perfect position to grace our poor meek race with reprise, utterly opposed to doing so. The man is not very complex and he doesn't have very much in the way of awareness, he is at most only intelligent enough to comprehend a small portion of his existence properly, remaining ignorant of the rest of it, but always ignorant of the ubaid plague. His life is short and he cant fly into space or use telepathy. He lies in a hospital bed and writhes as a sign of his enslavement to the incorporeal and that witch rots. The medium of the lizard is a beautiful black smoke, he fashions it into a hat and looks out of it with bright eyes. The hamster lives 2 years at best in a plastic cage it cant get out of. The dimension of the lizard is not the same as mine but he occupies space alongside me, the dimension of myself is an awareness of subcutaneous contents, the innards of myself and hamsters. The hamster has innards but they exist in another dimension far far from its reach. The beautiful smoke the lizard dances around in is beyond me but inside me somewhere i am unable to glean. A dolphin in a pond can see stars above it, a hamster senses a wrong somehow in a way it cant make sense of. And from my dimension i saw the insides of the hamster fail and betray it, in a way it couldn't glean. And those are my thoughts on hamster death.
I want nothing to do with people that are unlike me. I see myself as the most reasonable manifestation of what is many possible manifestations. That is i am the most reasonable sum of decisions, actions, behaviours and opinions out of all the given decisions, actions, behaviours and opinions i have been given liberty to choose among. For anyone to be different from me means they are not as good as me- not objectively but in relation to my own particular values. Everyone has mind but there is clear variation in the amount of mind each person has access to. For me, to interact with anyone of mind lesser is unappealing, since for another person to be relatable, useful, insightful, or understandable, they must have similar portion of mind. Certain actions and therefor modes of dress (since most people are picking their own clothes) signify different kinds of mind. For instance if a item of clothing of little utility or beauty appears suddenly on many people and in many shops, and i see a person wearing this item of clothing, we can safely judge this person as having bought and worn something only because of its popularity among others, as we have established that the clothing item is neither something lending particular usefulness or particular loveliness. Wether or dressing based on the dress of others is an endearing quality or not is up to the reader, however it is without question that if one can reasonably determine some kind of mental quality from an individuals dress, that they are also at liberty to treat that individual exactly as if they had conveyed the same property of character through their own spoken word. For me, i constantly judge and profile people, and to brilliant accuracy. Its something in fact that most people do in their subconscious, so for me to do the same but only consciously, is no worse.
As hollow as i am i still like looking at nice things. If anything i appreciate novel things more than i appreciate nice things. If you strive very hard to abandon any sense of self, and are successful in purging any tangible inclination towards any one particular thing above any other particular thing, left only with your own ability to observe, and nothing else superficial, naturally one will prefer to observe a variety of things rather than things that are all very similar. So i will say that i dislike modern web design. I dislike the same thing repeatedly. It is a very unfortunate waste of aesthetic potential to use something as exotic as illuminated pixels to repeatedly form and illuminate the same kinds of images. The screen pixel should be recognised by humanity for its novelty, and it should therefore be used first and foremost as a means to project into the eyes imagery both pleasant and novel. For the screen to project now images primarily displeasant for viewing shows to me personally that there is something deeply deviant about the way machines are used and viewed by society. Here we have squares and rectangles we can use for the display of anything thinkable, and they are treated with such nonchalance to the point of it being accepted by people broadly that they may display images and project forms widely regarded as displeasing. It is however, not the priority of the human that they are presented with images pleasant. This is something people do not think about or ponder upon, for many may even lack the ability to do so in the first place. So uninspired by beauty and loveliness is the average person that he will lend his gaze unbegrugingly upon the ill projections of the machine, not at once yearning for something more pleasant to emerge out of its illuminations. This is one reason i dislike you.